March. 23, 2023- 'Into Me I See'

Today me and Mari kissed for the first time, God I feel like a teenager again, so excited over a god dammed kiss. Ugh, what am I doing with my life? Anyway-
We drove around the woods up by the lake, I actually was brave enough to show her today. I took a few days literally just to decide if I was even going to or not,
the lake and the surrounding woods was my favorite thinking spot. I felt like I never gave anyone my heart fully, but to this place, I had. And speaking of not
giving my heart to anyone fully, we got into that today. She asked about my, less than enthusiastic murmurs about the deeper side of me and all this deep blue
sea emotional shit, but- in truth I was there already with her, I just didn't realize I had been. It kind of snuck up on me, but that's how the hard falls start, isn't it?
First she opened up about her own life and her tragic conga line of failed relationships, fuck, I realize I'm always making some shit sound like a joke, or taking
the edge off with a simile. I need to stop that, I think I'm actually starting to annoy myself by trying to be sincere and noticing I don't always sound that way (I'd
laugh if it wasn't so sad, maybe I'll laugh later. Fuck, I hope so. See- fuck! That's what I mean!)
Moving on, she said she was always used to people leaving her and so she got used to kind of having people around as long as they would stay, but never
actually truly being there herself. But somehow she was still hurt when they still left, and she was even more hurt that she was never fully there. That's
something isn't it? Sounds almost like my life, except, in my life, someone took something of mine and ran, convinced me I was the one who offered it to them
and then disappeared.
After that, I was never really the same. I didn't get into details but, I did tell Mari that people who spend a lifetime convincing themselves out of their own
feelings will be even better at trying to convince you into and out of yours. Fuck me, I should have my own book of Proverbs. I think I'm onto something, maybe
I'll get famous by 'accident' writing about relatable shit because I just don't give a fuck anymore. And that's when the money comes- one rack, two racks, one
stack two stacks. Haha yeah...I can only dream. But Mari did something not many people are brave enough to do, when I told her someone
( a girl, because
people forget girls can do that too) took a part of me that I didn't know enough about to even offer... and convinced me that I offered it, I guess I figured I
worded it a little less obviously than I did. But Mari's eyes shot through me, I think it was the first time I realized they even changed color. I swore her eyes were
green, I was looking at gray now and she didn't budge, not even once to break the stare. I think she knew....what I was referring to. Of course...I didn't say
anything else about it after that. She laid her head on my shoulder and sighed, and then she kissed me on the cheek after a long pause. Then, she looked
directly at me when our eyes finally met after a whole half hour of me trying to avoid them and ...well, there it was. That was the only solace I feel like I had in 7
years, I think that was just about how long it'd been since I had my last kiss. I think I'd forgotten that too, time flies when you're not having fun. Geez. I'm happy
though that she didn't make any other advances...I wouldn't have been ready. And if she did, at least at that moment..I probably would have ran and never came
back. I'm almost sure I would've never spoke to her again, I would've felt like she took advantage of my vulnerability. Wow, I wasn't supposed to be getting this
serious about my journal entries. I was only supposed to talk about the kiss, sometimes I forget who I'm even writing this for. Am I writing it for anyone? Shit.
Well anyway I've documented my first kiss in 7 years, hoorayyy...three cheers for sweet...I don't know. Three cheers for something...sweet. Yeahhh, I'm off this.
End entry.

© Terrence J.S Wright