I’ll find any way to sit to stop the shit in my legs from expanding
I’ll do whatever for attention if you’re not looking if you’re not laughing
Then I’ll make deals with the devil in my heels
Because the roof is looking like the next instagram reel

I’ll play sad music just to cry even if I have no reason for that sadness
Everything’s too close for comfort and it’s causing this madness
My mind has no room for more chaos
Pull the plug and tell the doc to lay off

I’ll feel mind boggling amounts of guilt after eating a meal
Insomuch that I blur the lines between my fantasy and all that is real
I just wish to pull the fat from my skin
I just wish to demoralize the body I live in

Past Hardsaw turning left onto Buckner is where I drive past the speed limit
I’m crying and screaming and singing along to my moody mix
I just need at least one person to know this
I was never that good at coping

Reminds me of me hunched over my toilet with a toothbrush down my throat
Water rushing from my tear ducts even though nothing will go
And the blades now hidden in my parents drawer
Makes me need them even more

I took up poetry to try to say what all I was feeling out loud
But I’ve found sometimes it’s even harder to write it all down
What if I don’t say what hits the heartstring
Then people will just stop listening

I was never good at putting words together to form a life change
I’m not sure how to do it what in the hell would I even say
All I know is what I feel
And I can’t tell if that’s fake or real

And I’ve left the only group of friends that I felt I was really in
Because I found out they never wanted me there so I’m alone again
I want to sew my lips closed
I hate when I talk it gets old

I’m not an interesting person, I think the coolest thing is that I’m sick
But that’s not something many people know so all that’s left is that I’m shit
Lost the only one I loved
Because he thought we were just buds

I hate seeing missing people or pet posters hung around the world
Oh can you imagine losing what you loved the most?
Never to get it back
I think I would live in pitch black

I watched the movie Fall for the first time just recently actually
When the realization hit Becky it hit me like a World War 3
The way she layed dead in the sun
The way Becky was unable to run

Daniel knows about my sickness now and his reaction brought me to tears
He said you are skinny, I’m confused, if you need me I’m here
But poor me I don’t think he actually cares
I pushed him out because I’m scared

I always see my nose in the mirror and wish I could take a machete to it
Cut a couple inches off my forehead and wax my arms until they’re soft like lint
Cut the bat wings off my arms
Make a living of my songs

I don’t know where I’ll be going once I’ve finished Highschool
I had a dream to sing in front of crowds but that seems a dream of a fool
And what would life look like then
Will I ever have another real friend

I’m toeing the line between jumping off this roof or telling my mother I’m thinking of it
Do I really need help or should I put everyone out of their misery by doing it
I just wanted you to know
I was never good at coping

Apologies to the few people that read this all the way through
It’s a long train of thought and I hope but don’t hope it pertains to you
I’d be glad to know I’m not the only one
But sad because this kind of pain is far from fun


Now I’m just ranting like I always end up doing and am told to be quiet
But if people let me continue this is what I’d say til I get physically violent
I’ve vomited up everything on my mind for now
Sleep well, and if you need help, I want to know.



© Waiteing