I feel my old mind coming back
Not the one from before the sickness
But the one from the recent past
The one who is utterly victimless

I hear the voice creeping in my mind
Recovery hasn’t done a damn thing
People call it relapse I say it’s a good time
I’m so euphoric I could almost sing

I was anxious it would leave me
Then how would I cope with my depression?
But no worry it’s here to keep
And I will never end this sickly session

I feel the self control taking toll
I’d rather starve than binge
It’s shadow is carving out its sleeping hole
Inside of my brain and I’m gonna let it

I don’t have anyone in mind except my captor
Glad I’m rid of the boy I used to like
Because I only love this all knowing master
Not my friends or family or my life

I’m euphoric for the numbers to drop
I’m reminiscing the clothes hanging off my hips
I will love me when I’m thinner than hot
And I won’t let a morsel touch my lips

It may seem like nails on a chalkboard
Why would you do it if it hurts?
But something that people don’t look for
Is how it emits insurmountable comfort

It’s gonna tell me that I need to work
And I find relief when I’m over doing it
It’s gonna congratulate me on gaining worth
And losing the weight that expands when I sit

I’m more euphoric about this than I should be
But I need to cope in other ways
I don’t want to craft anymore or read
I want to distract myself in harmful plays

Starving for attention was never my goal
And now I’ve been played to seem that way
But no matter I feel just at home
More than I ever did when in bed I’d lay

It’s getting colder when I’m inside
My wrists are now grabbable
Mothers getting absolutely terrified
And all my friends are too gullible

This feels good and I don’t care the price
I’d rather die a million times than rid of this
I think I’m hungry but water will suffice
Cause the best of feelings is emptiness

And for a year in recovery I was unable of that
My stomach always gelatinous and full
Doing so well at lying has me moving back
Without others knowing that it’s been enabled

I can’t wait til my jeans fit once again
And I don’t have to feel so enormous
I can’t wait until this is my best friend
Thinking about all of this has me so euphoric.



© Waiteing