One day you think I want to die. Then you think I want to not hurt. You think you want to feel nothing. To be numb. And then you think you want to see nothing but darkness, but there'll still be stars shining nevertheless. You can still see dark in a cup of coffee, in a cup of sweet black tea, in a burnt cake that you made with your best friend and you laughed and laughed putting the ingredients together. You'll think that you just want to return home, you want to take a nap in your childhood bed, surrounded by the warmth of your childhood room and the summer outside. It's the same sun shining, the bees are still fluttering outside, rapeseed is still growing. You'll want to escape the clutter in your room, just go to Berlin or New York or Sydney, just far away, but you'll start picking the trash from the floor one by one and you'll find yourself listening to music and singing along. You'll start washing the dishes again, you'll open all those letters that have been stacked disorderly upon each other, you'll start brushing your teeth once a day, you'll take a shower again and you'll feel the warmth and goodness of water upon your skin. You'll hear thunder outside and see lighting and you'll feel fear in your heart again. You do not want to die. You want to stay. You'll see the plushie on your bed that you got when you were a child, you'll wear the nice earrings again that hold so many memories for you, you'll eat and enjoy the food, you will walk and not get tired. You will want to see more and more and wonder why you wanted to close your eyes in the first place. You will want to live.


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