Its not about loosing weight and look skinny. Sure, a part of me wants to be pretty and skinny but I start to see how I really look and it’s not like I hoped. It’s not about being skinny anymore. I know I’m more than my body and my weight. But as worse my other problems get the more I‘d like to have control. I want to have control over one thing. That was my food, my body, my weight. Now it’s nothing. I don’t have any control over a thing. I’m okay with gaining weight but it’s hard to look in the mirror and see it. The extreme hunger is exhausting and my bloated stomach is making me more insecure again. I know it’s normal and I need to keep fighting but it’s just hard to let go. I know that one day I’m gonna win this battle and beat this illness but it takes time. I realised it was mostly about having control. When I loosed control over things in my life I started to get the control with the eating disorder. And now that I loose it and most other thing in my life getting worse and worse it’s hard not to fall back into old habits. My mind is the problem and not the food. I know that now and I believe it. It’s just hard to fight your mind when everything else hurts and you’re exhausted.

© lisann