It's the 8th time I am turning in my bed. I just can't close my eyes and sleep like everytime, it must be because I got used to his warm arms holding me in the sleep, and now that he isn't here spoiling me with his affectionate ways, I can't manage to fall asleep.
It's been a week since he left, but it feels like a whole month passed, every second is killing me.

I remember it vividly, our last decent conversation. He was telling me that it was an important bussiness trip, that he didn't want to leave me and go, and he was sorry that he couldn't do anything about it. I told him that the main problem wasn't that he was leaving again, (it was!) but what bothered me was that it was the exact week of his birthday. I had prepared something for that day, but now it was all useless. I was just so angry, not at him, but at myself, always so excited about things, it felt like I was the only one who cared for this little particulars. I know he cared too, but I was too engared to even listen to myself.
"Hey, don't get sad, please, I know it disappoints you but please don't get so upset"
"Fine, go" - he wrapped is arms around my waist and looking in my eyes he says with a pout
"No, I want you to say it smiling"
"It's okay, you can go" - I said putting on a fake smile that he saw right away.
"Hm, that's not my girl, I want a sincere smile."
The affection in his words, in his ways, melted me. As soon as I met his eyes I realized I was getting teary, and when I started talking, a sob escaped from my throat, and he hugged me right away, resuaring me that he'll take care of himself, that he'll call me wherever he'll find some time.
"But I'll miss you so m-much and you said you wouldn't go away last time, y-you jerk"
"Fine just cuss at me as much you want, but don't cry, it breaks my heart" - he said leaning toward my face and kissing away the tears that moments before were rolling down my cheeks, my eyes met his and I kissed his lips, soft.

"Hey"
"Hm"
I call his name with excitement
"What is it?"
"Aren't you asking me how I am? Ah wait...you must be on the way to home, aren't you?"
"I am."
"Babe, everything's fine?"
"Yes."
"It doesn't-" I am harshly cut off by him
"Why are you always so clingy? If I told you I am fine, it means I am, can't you even understand what I say now? You don't even give me space to breath and ask questions on questions. 'Did you eat? Are you okay? When are you coming home?'" he says mimicking my voice.
"I'm sorry...I was worried" I say with teary eyes
"Did I ever asked you to be worried about me? uh? - he asks waiting - you know I don't like this side of you, that side that calls me during the moments I least want to hear your fucking voice, asking me your stupid questions. I am not a kid, that needs to be taken care off - he stopped as soon as he heard you sniffle on the otherside of the line.
"I'm sorry, I won't call you a-again" I say, accidently making escape a sob.
The call ended like this. He felt terrible for throwing all his anger on you, he was such an asshole, even making you cry, he thought to himself.

I was laying in my bed after taking care of my crying self, when the door bell rang and I went to open the door, only to find him standing there at the entrance, greeting me with sweet voice, like nothing happened. That was when my eyes got teary again, was I the only stupid who was committed to our relationship, did he really didn't care about my feelings? Many questions found their place in my head, and there he was, entering inside and turning on the lights. "How are you?" He asked, worried about my red puffy eyes. I closed the door and made my way inside the apartment as well, "I'm okay", I said after a long pause. "The water is warm you can take a shower before sleeping" "But I haven't eaten yet..." "I'll warm you up the leftovers" I say heading to the stove but he holds me back, making me turn to face him, "What is-" but I get interrupted by his hug, and his almost broken voice, "Are you upset with me?", "I'm not" I respond almost instantly "Why would I be?" I say backing from his arms, when I saw his teary eyes, probably caused by his tiredness, the urge to hold his face and leave multiple kisses on it was about to take over me, but then I remembered all of his harsh words. They were true after all, I was always so clingy, and he wasn't a child, he knows how to take care of himself well. He slowly hugged me again, and started crying, that left me surprised. Then I put my hand on his back to reassure him, "It's okay, you can take in all out."
That night he slept cuddled in my arms, it all felt normal, like always but something was wrong, because from then on, each time I would want to be affectionate his words would ring in my head.
I slowly started to bottle up every emotion I felt, from love to hate, from delusion to sorrow, so I was usually down and he didn't notice, he was so caught up in work, and I'm sure he had other more important things to worry about.

One day after he left for work the tears welled up in my eyes broke out.
He opened the door to the apartment, "__, I forgot my bag" he called from outside but no one replied so he went to the bedroom to check, and saw my shattered form on the ground. He instantly rushed over to me, but I tried to hide my face, "I-i'm sor-ry" I say with a sob, trying to stand up from the ground but he holds me back "baby, what is it that you're sorry for?" He waited for quite some time, you had lovered your head. He then put his fingers under your chin reconnecting his eyes with your brown puffy ones, "I-i did it all wron-ng" I say with broken voice "you-u deserve b-better". As soon as he realized what you had just said, a pinch of anger erupted inside him, he, he was so angry at himself for not noticing you were hurting, such a jerk he was. "hey baby, you're the best for me, hm, I'll never want anyone else but you".
And then I hugged him tightly, hiding my head in is big chest, it felt like home, but something was still wrong. Tears kept rolling down my eyes, as he hugged me back and reassured me.
"I'm sorry for being so clingy" I say backing from his arms, "you must be busy, I shouldn't take further of your precious time, just head for work" I say turning around to face our reflection in the mirror. He was much taller than me and even more neat right now, as for me, I still wasn't the best for him. I hated myself for hoping I was enough for him, he probably said all those things out of pity. I should just die at this point.
He hugged me from my back, as he looked in my eyes through our reflection. "You aren't clingy, and you're way more important than work. What made you think that you're clingy-" and suddenly it all came to him like some flash of memory, all those things he said to you, weeks passed since then, and you're still hurting from that, he was a big jerk, he didn't meant those things, he loved when you were touching him, or worring about him, he loved your everything, he loved you so much, but you thought something else.
"Don't worry, you don't have to lie- I say putting on a smile, a painful smile -I'm working on myself, and once again I am sorry, it must have been so hard to deal with me" I said laughing , I turn around and push him away. "Just go to work already. Hey, babe..are you hereee?" He suddenly waked up from his state of trance, he was deep thinking, not understandanding what to do to make it up to you. You that was now acting just for him, you who hided your sorrows for so long. And for the fifteenth time he realized that he was a jerk.

© Gurpreet