Another agonizing morning had come, with the pains in my arms being pierced in with needles and injections. Anytime I woke up that way, I knew I had freaked out the previous night. It was natural for me to express violence from time to time, either out of frustration or anger. What soothed my thoughts was the writing in my journal, a journal gotten by my cousin Lisa for me. She had recommended it to help calm my nerves whenever I felt stressed or choked up. I didn't want to buy into the idea, but I found it helping me little by little. Every time I wanted to cry, or felt anything besides happiness, I penned it down. It helped a lot, I must say.
Doctor Lee, the doctor assigned to take care of me and his nurse, Miss Jan, walked in to give my drugs as usual. Miss Jan had been the one friend I'd made because I felt she somewhat understood what I was going through, sometimes I felt she'd gone through it but made it out. And she having my older sister's name, also made fond of her. Doctor Lee was very nice to, always doing his best to calm me down and make me feel good. It was nice having people who loved me once more but then again, it wouldn't be same.
"Good morning pretty June. How was your sleep last night?"
Doctor Lee asked in his usual smiling way.
"I couldn't sleep so good. But I'm fine." I responded politely.
"Let me help you sit up." Miss Jan offered and I agreed.
"Here, these should make you feel less headaches and more relaxed. And as for you not sleeping well, take this every night before you sleep." He said putting the pills in my palm.
I nodded, "Thank you doctor."
"Nurse Janice will help take off the needles okay? I'll see you later." He smiled as he left.
"Did she come again last night?" She asked me.
"She did." I said in a whisper.
She squats at my side with my right arm in her palms, gently taking off the bandage, "Well, did you both talk?"
"It's obvious we didn't." I said looking at my arm.
She sighed, "Maybe she doesn't want to talk."
"Then she should stop appearing!" I said in a bit of a loud voice. She held my arm firmly to calm me down as she finally took out the tiny needles, "June, take it easy. Are you sure you weren't hallucinating?"
"You've asked this before, many times. Do you think I'm crazy too?" I began feeling sad.
"Of course not lovely. She parted my hair behind my ear. Its just, you're just 19 yet you look older than you should, all because of this drama." She compassionately responded.
"I know, I just wish," I began shedding tears, "Mom, dad, Jan, Marc.." I sniffed, "I wish they weren't dead. Everyone just thinks I did it."
"I know you didn't. I believe you didn't. Don't worry, you'll get through this. And I'm here for you, okay?" She hugged me.
I hugged her back tightly, "Thank you."

I'd spent almost a year in the hospital, and I'd seen more severe cases than mine in those months I'd stayed. Compared to others, I wasn't even crazy. I'd overheard doctors amongst themselves complaining to each other how they'd get a patient off the wall in her room. I'd been past rooms where the patients looked like a horror show, some were even bound in chains, some never left their rooms. All this made me tell myself more that I didn't deserve to be there, but then again, no one believed me. The officer who interrogated me was the one in charge of the murder cases of my family. She had questioned me twice and I knew once again, I'd be questioned. I wondered when because I was almost giving up hope that she'd ever believe me. I was taken out of my room only when it was time for breakfast lunch and dinner and during weekends. Every other time, I was stuck in my room, with just my crushing thoughts and May's cold presence. Another night filled with pain and sorrow, I look to the corner where May always stands in and there she was.
"This was your plan huh?" I said to her, she didn't respond.
"To make me mad, to make everyone think you never existed and I'm the bad guy?" I said sitting on my bed.
She still didn't say a word, she only moved to a side. "Tell me, did you ever think of me when you came back? Or you just had this in mind to do?"
I could hear her answers blow past my ear, "Yeah, that's what you always say. That you love me. If you loved me, I wouldn't be facing the punishment of your crimes May! You did this to me!" I raised my voice.
"Its because of you I'm here, I'm here rotting in the pains of what you did to our family, our friends! You're a demon! You're a monster, a monster who only came back to cause more destruction! You hear me! Demon, that's what you are!!!" I shouted loudly at her, feeling the strain I was putting on my tired voice and body. Slowly, she was out of sight and I fell back on my bed with tears for another sorrowful night.
© Ese Naomi