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Dear Diary#4
Dear Diary - 08/March 2023
A few days ago I was haunted by a memory of a shy smile, an introverted boy, a soul that isn't here on earth anymore...I lost myself in the pain and the tears that wouldn't stop falling... I called his name and the only sound I heard where my uncontrolled sobbs and pleas... pleas that broke me over and over again, because they were never going to bring you back to me...
Almost eight years ago I got a call from a girl I didn't know, a girl that had just lost her big brother in an accident and was talking with me like she was just sharing some important, non-critical information. She was so calm and pulled together, I almost didn't believe her. I honestly don't remember what I said to her but the next I knew is that I was slipping from a chair, falling to the ground and just... broke.
I don't remember getting home, who I may have talked to on the way or how I told my ex that one of my best friends was gone... gone forever.
The next thing I knew is that I called a close friend, who knew him only a little less than I did and her screams of sorrow, they... they rang inside my head like an siren that wouldn't stop sounding. I heard her scream at night, I heard it in my dreams next to a face I would never be able to see alive again. It's a memory that I can't get out of my head even if I can‘t hear the sound anymore...
And he... such a bright light, such a great friend... such a... such a beautiful soul.
I had experienced death before but this was something else, something that is still able to break me in ways I will never understand. Barely 21 years old and his life was over... never able to respond to my last text message I sent him... Something as random as a co-worker bringing some stupid cake for his last day at the company... those were my last words to him and those are words I will never ever forget.
Thinking about him makes my heart ache in ways I've never believed it could do...in between the pain I'm surprised by sudden hysterical laughs when I remember something funny he did or said. It just breaks my heart through and through, it hurts more than I could ever express or explain.
I don't really know if I've truly dealt with this trauma.. I somehow believe I should have by now but this doesn't feel like coping... it feels more like a constant denial, like a fact that I still haven't accept as a truth... Like it was something that happed just yesterday...
He will always be a piece that is missing in my life.... A hole that can never be filled by someone else because that part of me is buried so deep within me that nobody will ever reach it. It's a sacred place that only belongs to him and nobody else. It's a part of me that I will mourn and cherish for as long as I breathe.
It's been too damn long that I've told anybody about him.. scared that I'll lose my memories if I "give" them to somebody else, even if I know that it will only keeps him more alive. I feel ashamed that I can't speak his name without wanting to shut my mouth... What a friend I am to keep him all to myself... right? But honestly it's where I want to keep him forever.. all to myself...
I didn't mean to talk this much about him... but as soon as I stared I just couldn't stop myself from sharing his memory with the world, with my world, a world that hasn't forgotten or ever will..
I miss him so damn much... 💔🕊️
© BellaWritingHere
A few days ago I was haunted by a memory of a shy smile, an introverted boy, a soul that isn't here on earth anymore...I lost myself in the pain and the tears that wouldn't stop falling... I called his name and the only sound I heard where my uncontrolled sobbs and pleas... pleas that broke me over and over again, because they were never going to bring you back to me...
Almost eight years ago I got a call from a girl I didn't know, a girl that had just lost her big brother in an accident and was talking with me like she was just sharing some important, non-critical information. She was so calm and pulled together, I almost didn't believe her. I honestly don't remember what I said to her but the next I knew is that I was slipping from a chair, falling to the ground and just... broke.
I don't remember getting home, who I may have talked to on the way or how I told my ex that one of my best friends was gone... gone forever.
The next thing I knew is that I called a close friend, who knew him only a little less than I did and her screams of sorrow, they... they rang inside my head like an siren that wouldn't stop sounding. I heard her scream at night, I heard it in my dreams next to a face I would never be able to see alive again. It's a memory that I can't get out of my head even if I can‘t hear the sound anymore...
And he... such a bright light, such a great friend... such a... such a beautiful soul.
I had experienced death before but this was something else, something that is still able to break me in ways I will never understand. Barely 21 years old and his life was over... never able to respond to my last text message I sent him... Something as random as a co-worker bringing some stupid cake for his last day at the company... those were my last words to him and those are words I will never ever forget.
Thinking about him makes my heart ache in ways I've never believed it could do...in between the pain I'm surprised by sudden hysterical laughs when I remember something funny he did or said. It just breaks my heart through and through, it hurts more than I could ever express or explain.
I don't really know if I've truly dealt with this trauma.. I somehow believe I should have by now but this doesn't feel like coping... it feels more like a constant denial, like a fact that I still haven't accept as a truth... Like it was something that happed just yesterday...
He will always be a piece that is missing in my life.... A hole that can never be filled by someone else because that part of me is buried so deep within me that nobody will ever reach it. It's a sacred place that only belongs to him and nobody else. It's a part of me that I will mourn and cherish for as long as I breathe.
It's been too damn long that I've told anybody about him.. scared that I'll lose my memories if I "give" them to somebody else, even if I know that it will only keeps him more alive. I feel ashamed that I can't speak his name without wanting to shut my mouth... What a friend I am to keep him all to myself... right? But honestly it's where I want to keep him forever.. all to myself...
I didn't mean to talk this much about him... but as soon as I stared I just couldn't stop myself from sharing his memory with the world, with my world, a world that hasn't forgotten or ever will..
I miss him so damn much... 💔🕊️
© BellaWritingHere
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