I thought of our conversation all through the night, it gave me some sort of calm and rest. I realized I wasn't just thinking of what we conversed over, I was also thinking of him, how friendly and nice he was, trying to understand more about what happened, unlike the other detective. I was certain I could trust him then, I saw the honesty in his eyes. Nurse Janice had come by in the evening to check on me after giving me my drugs, we talked about how her day went and how mine went to. I was elated and she commented on how the detective was having a good effect on my mood.
There I laid, another night in the cold empty room filled with guilt for crimes I didn't commit. Every time any of their names went through my head, the event of how they died flashed like lightning and I'd gasp, like I was being drowned in the guilt. I sat up thinking again, asking myself why May would do this to me, why she would let me end up here for the better part of my life. She hasn't come to do any explaining, just standing there at the corner of the wall, looking at me pale, making me scream and yell at her. She was the reason for the pills and injections everyday, her presence was driving me nuts. And to say once upon a time, she was my everything, after her dying, I couldn't imagine life without her, I dedicated ten years of my life to mourning her and all we had while she was alive. Still I prayed in my thoughts she'd come back, and she did, but now, was it worth it? Look at where it landed me, alone, locked up and considered a danger to those around me. But maybe there was hope, maybe there was a second chance for me, Steve was a sign I guess.
I looked at the moon out my window, it was round and beautiful, I smiled at it remembering when May and I used to look at the moon every night it was full. We used to draw circles round it, we even drew on paper to see whose moon was the roundest. I began to smile, that memory was one of my favorites with May, we used to wish for so many good things whenever the moon was full, we even prayed that her sickness go away, but I guess not all wishes come true.
I can still remember that night, just before our birthday, when we held hands, closed our eyes and wished together that she'd get better and that she'd never have to go to the doctor again. It was a magical night for both of us, the stars glittered so much that night and the sky was so pretty. If that wish ever came true, then I wouldn't be here now, suffering for the deaths of the ones I loved.
"May, if you can hear me, remember that night we looked out the window, before our eighth birthday?" I asked looking at the ceiling, hoping she'd respond.
"Remember we wished you'd recover and never fall ill again?"
I asked again.
"I remembered I wished that so hard, because I couldn't imagine living without you." I sniffed, "Its funny, reality is always so different from what we imagine." I frowned, "Maybe I shouldn't have painted a fake reality for myself, maybe I should have accepted reality for what it was. Don't you think?" I looked up again.
A tiny white feather started coming down slowly, my eyes followed its movement, it came down to my dress, I picked it up and looked at it. "This feather reminds me of the one you found under your pillow, when we were at Aunt Phil's farm. Remember when you said the chickens must have sat on your head while you slept?" I smiled.
"May?" I called out when I saw her stand by the corner again, "Do you remember all that?"
She didn't say a word, she just stood there. I sighed and put my legs on the bed, "I guess not." I replied myself disappointed.
Another night of misery and emptiness, to awake another morning of more pain.

© Ese Naomi