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Dear Diary #2
Dear Diary - 9/Aug 2023
I was not expecting to bother you this soon again but I need to get a few things off my chest that happened yesterday…
I had a breakdown sometime before lunch, because I was told to revisit my doctor… doesn‘t matter why really but it‘s needless to say that I couldn‘t handle the fact to face him again. The one I had to open up to and explain to that I‘m physically unstable and that I desperately need help. And now I‘ll let you guess how he reacted to that…
Nevertheless I managed to pull myself together somehow and yeah… now I‘m looking for another doctor… But enough of that, I‘m just keeping you informed.
There was also a small wedding yesterday where my boyfriend and I were invited to. There was enough procrastination and overthinking on my part which almost led to that I didn‘t attend. And I‘m sure I would have regretted it later, because the wedding was really beautiful and I‘m grateful to have been invited. But the first few hours were horrible! Not the ceremony, but my inner battle with myself. I tried to smile, I tried to talk and I even tried to laugh but damn was that hard to do. I almost broke down in tears more than a few times and I wouldn‘t have been able to explain it to anyone…I didn‘t even know myself. I felt the tears pushing through and started to pinch the skin between my thumb and index finger which I‘ve never done before and it felt oddly calming. It got me through somehow, along with my boyfriend who began to notice and tried to comfort me by holding my hand every now and then. It was truly a beautiful little wedding and I‘m really happy to have witnessed their „I do“.
I guess what scared me was the fact that I was losing control and was barely able to prevent it…I‘ve never been this close to lose control in the mids of a crowd and it was a clear sign that I‘m really not doing okay, which is hard to admit to you and to myself.
And telling you this while going through the event in my head feels like a chance to regain some of the control I lost….at least a bit because I‘m reflecting and aknowledging the existense of my problem, right? Or maybe it‘s just the fact that I needed someone to listen who understands…
© BellaWritingHere
I was not expecting to bother you this soon again but I need to get a few things off my chest that happened yesterday…
I had a breakdown sometime before lunch, because I was told to revisit my doctor… doesn‘t matter why really but it‘s needless to say that I couldn‘t handle the fact to face him again. The one I had to open up to and explain to that I‘m physically unstable and that I desperately need help. And now I‘ll let you guess how he reacted to that…
Nevertheless I managed to pull myself together somehow and yeah… now I‘m looking for another doctor… But enough of that, I‘m just keeping you informed.
There was also a small wedding yesterday where my boyfriend and I were invited to. There was enough procrastination and overthinking on my part which almost led to that I didn‘t attend. And I‘m sure I would have regretted it later, because the wedding was really beautiful and I‘m grateful to have been invited. But the first few hours were horrible! Not the ceremony, but my inner battle with myself. I tried to smile, I tried to talk and I even tried to laugh but damn was that hard to do. I almost broke down in tears more than a few times and I wouldn‘t have been able to explain it to anyone…I didn‘t even know myself. I felt the tears pushing through and started to pinch the skin between my thumb and index finger which I‘ve never done before and it felt oddly calming. It got me through somehow, along with my boyfriend who began to notice and tried to comfort me by holding my hand every now and then. It was truly a beautiful little wedding and I‘m really happy to have witnessed their „I do“.
I guess what scared me was the fact that I was losing control and was barely able to prevent it…I‘ve never been this close to lose control in the mids of a crowd and it was a clear sign that I‘m really not doing okay, which is hard to admit to you and to myself.
And telling you this while going through the event in my head feels like a chance to regain some of the control I lost….at least a bit because I‘m reflecting and aknowledging the existense of my problem, right? Or maybe it‘s just the fact that I needed someone to listen who understands…
© BellaWritingHere
